We care deeply about your rights as a member of our extended family, and we want to keep you informed about how we handle any sensitive data we may have about you. Below is an update to our family’s privacy policy, which goes into effect today.
We may ask uncomfortably personal questions—including but not limited to state of employment, relationship status, and whether you’ve considered seeing a dermatologist about that red spot—even if you feel like you barely know us or can’t frankly remember if we are your father’s second cousin once removed or your mother’s great uncle. Regardless of our choice of topic, you retain the right to deceive, obfuscate, or get another drink from the open bar. However, you should be apprised that we will cross-check any answers you provide with a board of other relatives. In addition, refusing to answer questions from more than three relatives at any one event can result in a reprimand or other disciplinary action, most likely taking the form of a Facebook post on your mother’s timeline.
If we have been previously informed about any setback or disappointment in your life, expect to be interrogated about that within 30 seconds of our recognizing you. You previously consented to having this embarrassing information shared across the full family network, inclusive of any wholly owned subsidiaries or descendants, by telling your mother in the first place—who you should have known would call her cousin twice removed who is also our niece.
If you provide us with any update about your love life, we will tell our sister Janet. She is the vice principal at the high school and is likely to remember any boyfriend or girlfriend mentioned by you; she will provide a full character report to the family. You further consent to our conducting a Google search on your partner’s name and to our sending them friend requests on any social media platform of our choosing immediately or at any time of our choosing. Any vague responses to our questions in this domain will be treated as confirmation that you are concealing information from the family and will initiate an investigative process to determine name, gender, and employment status of your clandestine lover. This is a necessary step for the protection of both you and the integrity of the family and cannot be countermanded under any circumstances.
Should we in the course of this investigation uncover sexually explicit photos or video footage of you with the unnamed partner or any other person(s), we promise not to share such materials without first blacking out any portion of the image that could expose you to criminal liability. We do not, however, relinquish our right to try out similar positions or costumes to those depicted in your materials without providing either compensation or credit to you. You hold no intellectual property rights to such materials.
If you have previously attended a family gathering with a partner or spouse and show up to the current gathering without said partner, we will immediately call that ex to determine what you did wrong. This information will be used only for your benefit, as a council of older relatives will discuss your shortcomings and formulate an action plan for you to better hold onto the next person to whom you become romantically attached.
Other subjects we retain the right to ask about include but are not limited to: recent medical symptoms and any related testing, diagnosis, or treatment; opinions about the current president; whether you’ve ever visited a mental health professional and if not, why not; why you seem to be drinking so much and whether you often drink like that; whether anyone else has told you that you might have a drinking problem because you really seem to hit the bar more often than is good for you.
We require the full street address of your primary residence. This address will be checked on Zillow to establish a rough proxy for your overall wealth. If the result is higher than our own degree of wealth, we will consult with other relatives about how you could have possibly come by so much money and whether you might be involved in illicit activities. You will be expected to answer questions about this speculation at future family gatherings.
Your highest level of schooling attained will be noted and kept on record, and at every meeting we will compare your achievements with those of your cousin Elaine, who has both an MD and a JD.
If you are our direct descendant or have lived in our home or at our expense for a period greater than one month, none of the protections outlined in this policy apply to you.
By remaining in this family you indicate your full and complete acceptance of all terms and conditions herein.