From The Editors

New Political Hack Alert

The FBI released an alert about a new foreign influence campaign targeting a wide swathe of American social media users. In a vast, coordinated attack, hackers have broken into the accounts of millions of people no one cares about and posted divisive political content that almost no one noticed.

“We’re all at risk in this new scheme,” said SAC Robert Twillit. “Previous hacking campaigns have targeted an elite few so-called influencers, but there are millions more of us who are truly insignificant that no one will listen to. I know my wife doesn’t read my texts unless I call her to ask if she’s seen them. Any of us could be the next target.”

Cybersecurity experts who have studied the attack warn that the nation should brace for further disruptions caused by this new breed of hackers. As in the 2016 election cycle, the hackers will release private messages and correspondence they have illegally accessed.

“They have acquired a huge trove of personal messages from these negligible individuals,” said Simone Allafart, CEO of security consultancy DigitalChastityBelt.io. “They will no doubt time the release of this information for maximum political effect. I expect to see grocery lists, poems aborted after the first line because the writer couldn’t come up with a single rhyme, maybe even brainstorms about new businesses to sell shoes to raccoons, which would, when you think about it, keep them from digging into the trash.”

Hero or Villain?

antivirus software
red lipstick
PINK lipstick
bucket lists
wellness shots
ethics
CaaS
Excel spreadsheets
higher consciousness
The United Nations
wearables
cops
[Read more…]

Drones — Now Delivering!

  • Smoothly your psychology, @$300/hour
  • Glee over a coworker’s paper cut
  • Unwanted designs on your supervisor’s job
  • A good intention equipped with its own/a paving shovel
  • Unwillingness to compromise, ever
  • Dear John/Jane letters
  • Shockingly precise insults
  • Eviction notices with change-of-address forms attached for convenience
  • Subpoenas sponsored by Wilkins and Barra, discount criminal-defense attorneys
  • The results of your genetic tests (If you’re still alive.)
  • Regret at how you raised your kids
  • Sadness over how your grandchild is being raised
  • A sense that you’ve wasted your years/time
[Read more…]

Golf, Explained

President Trump loves to play golf. He’s spent more time on the course than any other president at this point in his first term. The question is why. Understanding a man’s loves tells you something he’d probably rather you didn’t know.

Golf could be beautiful. A walk through swathes of green, extending for miles, like a recreation of the fields and meadows sung about by poets when poets still knew how to play the lute. The game itself adds a point of concentration within the ungovernable elements, an intermittent narrowing of awareness to how to align all the force one can muster toward a quick impact. There’s a joy in perfecting such a skill, no matter how inconsequential.

But look at how golf is actually played by Trump. [Read more…]