Tia Creighton

Our Editor “Fatafati” Tia Creighton has been called "a closed book sealed in wax." She writes to people she knows will never write back and believes anyone worth their salt should have to beat back at least one TRO. In addition to Stoneslide, Tia’s work has appeared in Might magazine, Redbook, San Jose Mercury News, Tenderloin magazine and on Patriot NOT Partisan. She has a degree in English from UCLA, is a fourth-generation San Francisco Bay Area native, and currently lives in Silicon Valley with her family and well-worn drum kit.

Recent writings:

Unlimited

By Tia Creighton

Granted, we just drop in on them. My dad isn’t expecting us, and he’s hustling in his labored, jerky way to tidy for guests. This room has become my mother’s entire world. She eats there, she sleeps there, she watches TV there. It’s more cluttered now than it was on our last visit. My mom tours the house when my dad leaves on errands. She gathers up items that speak to her on these tours and brings them into the room to surround her. I spot a few Madame Alexander dolls, several stacks of past Christmas cards from family and friends, baby pictures, and pictures of her parents. On the mantle, she has hung a few outfits from the 70s, which she saved in upstairs closets because “things always come back in style.” She even has a wig on her side table.

She’ll leave the room also to sneak wine in the evening and occasionally go to the bathroom — though from the smell of the room, she’s taking full advantage of her adult undergarment. And changing it less and less.

Sitting Ain’t Just about Taking a Seat

By Tia Creighton

Medical Note: My name is Annabelle Schultz. I’m a licensed speech and language pathologist. I met Patient WK in 2017. He was an 85-year-old black male who suffered an ischemic stroke which caused him to fall naked down a flight of steps, landing in his home’s foyer. He lay unassisted for three days till his mailman heard his cries through the mail slot. I was dispatched to Patient WK’s home after his hospital discharge as part of his outpatient-services team. My job was to assess and improve his speech and language skills.

Quickly, it became clear that Patient WK did not need my services. His speech was flowing, flowering, sharp, and colorful. He easily pulled up both long- and short-term memories and showed no impediments whatsoever. But Medicare kept sending me out, so I kept going.

Big Moody Mountain

By Tia Creighton

A comedy that follows heavy-equipment mechanic Mike Deiter as he works in the award-winning but loony landfill (or “dump”) called Big Moody Mountain.

Introduction

Big Moody Mountain (“BMM”) is arguably the most pristine dump in the country, which of course seems incongruous. It’s a dump. It’s filled with human discard and household waste. Doesn’t it stink? Isn’t it gross? On the contrary.

So Far, We Regret Having You

By Tia Creighton

A weekly show wherein the same famous couple — think, perhaps, Nicole Kidman/Keith Urban or Ellen DeGeneres/Portia de Rossi or Julia Louis-Dreyfus/Brad Hall — invites six total strangers in off the street for an eight-person dinner party.

Top of the Heap

By Tia Creighton

An O.G. pickuh competes with white, rip-off, junk men to see who can profit most off people’s trash. It’s American Pickers meets Sanford and Son.

Steady, Forgotten

By Tia Creighton

Brother, Brother, where art thou?
Swallowed into your world.
Sister, lost soul, I need you.¹
Both broken, but you’ve now thrown pieces.

Cereal once, now a dust bowl between us.
You’re always worse, or better.
Let’s stop racing.

Same posture.
Same jawline.
Same cadence.
Same head nods.
But our stories don’t track in old ways.

Precious Boy
The Great Son
Favorite Daughter
Darling Girl
“Kill the calf. My child has been raised!”

There’s one you don’t see who has not fallen once.
Take a moment to sing that child’s praise.

State of Play

By Tia Creighton

Oliver and his sisters played a game when they were kids. He forgets exactly what they called it – “Maybe just ‘Cops,’” he says.

In the game, he and his older sister pretend they’re cops – they’re partners – and they go on a lot of cop calls, and then they have lunch at a diner, at a pretend diner, where their younger sister plays the waitress at the counter. She takes their orders and often dishes out clues to some crime they’re trying to solve.

Better, Cheaper, Younger, Brother

By Tia Creighton

Mill Valley, California, was and is a geographical wonderland. Mount Tamalpais crowns the valley below, and two nice creeks drain opposite canyons, meeting in the center of town to produce a large, permanent stream all the way to Richardson Bay. Besides a very healthy steelhead run, these dual arroyos supply water for a super abundance of blackberries.

Mill Valley wasn’t very hot in the summer as there was always morning fog, so these berries ripened slowly and evenly. One had to wade the creeks and bring ladders at times to harvest, but the extra labor was worth it, as the crop was endless and the fruit extraordinary. My parents were coffee drinkers, so throughout the year I saved every one of their MJB cans for my summer and fall berry stand.

We Got a Situation

By Tia Creighton

To: Doug, Dierdre, Benny, and Rudy
From: Annabelle
Date: 10/28/19
Re: a bit more help on everyone’s part

I have just come off another weekend with Mom and Dad and have a few observations. First of all, instead of lifting up all the area and Oriental rugs in the house, Dad added three new ones to the kitchen – the only room that prior had no rugs. I spent a good deal of Saturday trying to unwind carpet fringe from Dad’s Hoveround axle.

Name Calling

By Tia Creighton

The Café Carousel Came to Roosevelt

By Tia Creighton

He came here and set up today, the coffee man from Café Carousel.

He set up here today at lowly Roosevelt.

With his craft table and its black skirt; with his gleaming dual-boilers and his array of rainbow syrups.

He came here today to serve staff free drinks: cinnamon mochas, vanilla lattés, and caramel macchiatos.

Fan Boys and Girls of the 39-Inch Waist

By Tia Creighton

In collaboration with Theodore J. Swanson

As summer shines upon us, we are bombarded with a new slew of superhero and supervillain movies. This summer we’re being treated to Avengers: Endgame; Godzilla: King of the Monsters; and Men in Black: International. These films will make scores of millions if not billions of dollars because, as journalist Jug Saraiya says:

“Within all of us there is a potential superhero, and a corresponding supervillain…The battlefield of light and dark…is not out there…it is us.”¹

We love the battle, and we love ourselves! “The battle is within us?! How exciting!” we say. But is all this superb battling good for us? For our culture? For our collective psyche? For the world? For how can Superman really be within us? How can Magneto — a high-spark villain — really be within us? They are not. While we, of course, have both worthiness and weakness within, it’s the super sizing of our personality notes and flaws that is the problem.

In the Deeps II

By Tia Creighton

What’s the point of being observant if you’re not going to make fun?

The UA Sky Drone™ Freedom for the Active Parolee

By Tia Creighton

I got the alert on my phone, so I knew it was coming. I would have to close my laptop and walk out of my social-deviance and social-issues class. I’m back in school at the JC trying to get my life together and maybe go for a criminal-justice degree. I quietly shut the clamshell, asked my elbow partner to watch my stuff, and discreetly left the auditorium. This was just a bathroom break, in a sense.

Live as Carefree as a Man — GUARANTEED

By Tia Creighton

Ladies — Are you tired of being victimized or feeling the threat of victimization wherever you go? Do you find yourself constantly guarding against attack or unwanted advances? Do you just not feel you’re getting the level of safety and security you want? Well, no more! Now, with the revolutionary “My Ugly Best Friend”™ drone, you’re no longer alone in the world, relying on that mythical idea, the decency of men.

There’s Ambiguity Surrounding This Particular Label Drone.

By Tia Creighton

Oh to be a drone!

No energy

No trouble

Step in, no, step back

Relax, have a snack

Peel an orange or banana

While chaos reigns around

At work, at home, in traffic,

In my branch, at the discount store,

Oh to be a drone!