Jonathan

Jonathan is considering changing his name. When he tells people this, they often suggest he also change his face and his personality. He longs for the anonymity of a bit of data stored on a floppy disk that has begun to rot and, beside that, can no longer be read by any functioning drive. He will soon have to repair the cats' climbing structure. If you are reading this, he did not forget to press Submit before wandering off.

Recent writings:

Sit Down and Ride

There’s nothing left on earth that’s more evocative of my dad than his wheelchair. I always had a complicated relationship with my dad, and now I have a complicated relationship with that chair.

He spent years fine tuning it to his needs. The cushion on a stalk that supported the back of his head was raised and tilted. The angle between the seat back and the flat part of the seat was increased until he didn’t feel like he’d tumble forward out of the chair, but not so far that he felt like he’d tumble backward out of the world. The armrest that held the joystick and control panel was positioned at just the right height so that when he reached out, his stiffened hands touched the controls, and he could move himself through the first floor of the house. He went through several seat cushions and experiments in foam toppers before he found the one least likely to give him sores from sitting all day and all night in the chair.

New Political Hack Alert

The FBI released an alert about a new foreign influence campaign targeting a wide swathe of American social media users. In a vast, coordinated attack, hackers have broken into the accounts of millions of people no one cares about and posted divisive political content that almost no one noticed.

“We’re all at risk in this new scheme,” said SAC Robert Twillit. “Previous hacking campaigns have targeted an elite few so-called influencers, but there are millions more of us who are truly insignificant that no one will listen to. I know my wife doesn’t read my texts unless I call her to ask if she’s seen them. Any of us could be the next target.”

Cybersecurity experts who have studied the attack warn that the nation should brace for further disruptions caused by this new breed of hackers. As in the 2016 election cycle, the hackers will release private messages and correspondence they have illegally accessed.

“They have acquired a huge trove of personal messages from these negligible individuals,” said Simone Allafart, CEO of security consultancy DigitalChastityBelt.io. “They will no doubt time the release of this information for maximum political effect. I expect to see grocery lists, poems aborted after the first line because the writer couldn’t come up with a single rhyme, maybe even brainstorms about new businesses to sell shoes to raccoons, which would, when you think about it, keep them from digging into the trash.”

If this is all God’s plan

God’s a lousy planner.

I have discovered the meaning of canceled

It’s so hard to know what anything means anymore. Our fellow Americans are using language in recklessly novel ways, which has the effect of shattering the centuries of shared understanding and history that underly our efforts to understand each other. I no longer trust I know what the simplest word means.

Take “canceled,” for example.

Advice from the World’s Second Greatest Netflix Pitcher

Lots of people ask me how I manage to produce so many pitches. These days everyone wants to be in the business, and they’ve seen on my blog that I’ve averaged 7.46 pitches per day over the last three-plus years. I don’t want to sound self-aggrandizing, but I think some people are awed by that number. They think I must have some secret, but the truth is the only advice I can give is the classic advice for all writers: pitch what you know. When you look at it right, your own life has endless wells of inspiration.

Brotherly Accidents

“You got a good grip?”

“I got it.”

This exact sequence was spoken by the same two people on two separate occasions approximately 60 years apart. Alan, the younger brother, is the nervous questioner. John, the confident respondent.

In the first instance, Alan is eight years old and John is fourteen. It’s a snow day, and Alan is edging out onto the crust of ice that covers the pond. He has a rope knotted around his waist, and John holds the loose end.

Eternal Reward

—Hey.

—Hmm?

—Hi. Are you awake there?

—Errrh…

—I thought you looked like you were coming to.

—Yeah, I guess. I’m cold.

—Yeah. That’s how it is.

—What do you do about it?

—You forget about it eventually.

Abelard and Heloise and a Toaster

Abe pushed open the bathroom door and felt the heat and moistness that emanated from his wife luxuriating in the bath. She always stayed submerged until the water turned tepid, which was good for his purposes. Under one arm, he cradled a nickel-plated, four-slice toaster that he’d just yanked out of its place in the kitchen.

His glasses fogged while he closed the door behind himself. He wiped them with one forefinger and spotted the outlet beside the sink. He plugged the toaster in.

In the Deeps

I went on a voyage of self-discovery and identified a previously unknown species of stupidity.

Letters to a Grammarian in the Seventh Year of the Trump Presidency

Wondering whether to hyphenate “bigly” or how to quote Jesus without offending the President? Our grammarian leads you through the thickets of writing in the Age of Trump.

Sunrise

Marjorie particularly liked to watch the sun rise over the mountains. Before each shift, she’d look up the exact time of sunrise and write it down on a sticky note that she’d put next to her keyboard. Then she’d try to get in a position to turn east at that moment without anyone noticing. It was one of those little breaths of freedom that got her through the day—like the first cup of coffee or the privacy in the bathroom stall.

The Presidential Boy Detective and the Case of the Missing Journalist

The Presidential Boy Detective and his cabinet arrive at the crime scene. They walk between police cruisers with blue and red lights flashing above their roofs. Someone lifts the yellow police tape and the old men, plus Sarah Sanders and Jared Kushner, shuffle under.

Job Seekers Rejoice

Republicans’ handling of the Kavanaugh confirmation is likely to have longstanding effects on the courts and the balance of political power in our country. But its greatest influence may be to start a radical democratization of employment practices across the country.

Universal Comfort

No matter how lonely or sad I get, at least I always know that Apple will take my money.

A Love Letter from the Trump National Golf Club in Sterling, Virginia, to President Trump

Dearest Donald,

It has been two days since you last visited me. I know that will seem like nothing to you. Your hours have been spent engaging in important affairs of state, studying policy tweets, and guarding the nation from imbalanced cable news coverage. But I have done nothing but pine for your return.