The UA Sky Drone™ Freedom for the Active Parolee

I got the alert on my phone, so I knew it was coming. I would have to close my laptop and walk out of my social-deviance and social-issues class. I’m back in school at the JC trying to get my life together and maybe go for a criminal-justice degree. I quietly shut the clamshell, asked my elbow partner to watch my stuff, and discreetly left the auditorium. This was just a bathroom break, in a sense.

I walked down the east hall to a part of the quad by the student center near the fountain. There’s a grassy area there that few people go to. This has been a successful drop spot for the urine-analysis drone in the past, so I’ve kept with it, plus it’s near the bathroom. The drone positions itself overhead and lowers a wire down with a package on it to the grass.

I wear an ankle bracelet with a GPS monitor at all times, so wherever I am, the drone can find me. It lowers the testing kit via an air-drop wire. Once the package hits the ground, it automatically detaches from the wire, which retracts back up. I tuck the package under my arm and speed walk to the bathroom. There’s always some tool on his phone not paying attention, who I have to dodge, along with four or five sunny students walking abreast blocking my path to continued freedom as they pick food off each other’s cafeteria trays and laugh about Internet memes.

I have to work quickly. I have exactly 15 minutes to collect the package, pee in the cup, and send the sample back up. If I miss the deadline, it’s “home incarceration” for me — 24-hour household confinement; no leaving for anything.

A simple procedure

Not wanting spectators, I go into the stall. I put the package on the floor, take out the cup, untwist the lid, and set it on the toilet-paper holder. Then I unzip, pull out my friend, stick him in the cup, and pee. I always have to go more than the cup can hold, so I try to piss the rest into the bowl. I get the seat wet, get my hands wet, but whatever — the sample is where it needs to be. I leave myself hanging, twist the lid back on, and put the full cup in the package. I dry my hands on my pants, zip up, and leave the stall. I don’t bother to wash, I have to get going.

The high-tech cup auto-tests for my DNA and measures temperature, so it knows immediately if the sample is mine and recent — not sure how I could cheat with an earlier sample or someone else’s. UA Sky Drone has thought of everything!

While I’m giving the sample, the drone ascends pretty high so it doesn’t bother or frighten others. I’m the only one with anything to fear. Sometimes people call the police, because they think the drone is suspicious. It makes them nervous hovering over campus. I signal it from my phone when I’m ready, and it descends and shoots its wire back down. The community-college system has given permission to UA Sky Drone to fly over its campuses. It’s encouraging ex-felons to get their degrees — with a little help from Assembly Bill F107, which mandates ex-felon rehab in the community-college system in return for a $48 million grant. Nice for me!

Making light

Some people think I’m really important and powerful when they see the drone. They ask a lot of questions. Lately, I’ve been answering with a Russian accent.

Did you design that? “No. Fancy Bear.”

Are you in the military? “GRU. But I can’t talk about it.”

Is that from Grub Hub? “Yes. Full of piroshkis.”

They don’t know it’s only a cup of piss and I’m a drug addict with a long history of armed robbery, aggravated assault, carjacking, and home invasion. The UA Sky Drone really protects my privacy and allows me to get on track. I can go out to work, study, and still meet my legal obligations quickly and easily on the fly, literally.

I hustle back to class and slip into my seat. I can see from the clock I made it in less than 10 minutes this time. Thanks, UA Sky Drone — for making my probation a walk in the park. Or should I say, a brisk walk to the quad.

Images

“Asher’s Urine Sample”  — Photo by PJ Nelson, FlickrCC, https://tinyurl.com/y7sb7mly

“173 of 366” — Photo by Pam loves pie, FlickrCC https://tinyurl.com/yck4uv3t