Editors

Recent writings:

    Present Like a Bro

    Stoneslide would like to propel junior executives clamoring up the corporate ladder with a business tip they won’t get at Ross, Haas, Kellogg, or Sloan. Liberally use “Sit your ass down” during any meeting you’ve been selected to lead. It’s the latest in business jargon so you can add muscle to meetings.

    [Read more…]

    New Tool Helps Businesses Take a Stand

    The political polarization in America has come to affect even the one area of society that used to unify us: shopping. Ingraticorp, a consumer market-research and development company, has launched an innovative product to help businesses navigate the newly tempestuous reality in the wake of the 2020 election.

    The new Take a Stand™ is a large digital display that owners of all sorts of retail businesses can place in their shops to show that they agree with their customers’ politics—whatever those politics might be.

    [Read more…]

    Herringbone! Herringbone!

    This weekly drama will consist of a 70-something, white male born and raised on the Eastern seaboard of the United States staring at one of his favorite herringbone blazers, suspended by a hanger.

    [Read more…]

    Incremental Reports

    30-year-old Gabe Trampelgong and his 28-year-old brother Tom had leg wounds that discharged pus at wildly different rates. Medical personnel measured 30 milliliters coming out of Gabe each hour, and 9 milliliters coming out of Tom. Their fevers were similar, 38.6° C and 38.5° C, respectively. Gabe washed his car with Dawn dish soap, and Tom used Griot’s Car Wash.

    [Read more…]

    Sisters<---->Brothers

    (interviews with eight-year-olds)

    Having a sister is about farting on her.
    Having a brother is about hugging him.

    Having a sister is about hide-and-go-seek.
    Having a brother is about fighting with him.

    Having a sister is about her annoying me.
    Having a brother is about rounding up for a fight and maybe him giving me his Xbox.

    [Read more…]

    Hero or Villain?

    antivirus software
    red lipstick
    PINK lipstick
    bucket lists
    wellness shots
    ethics
    CaaS
    Excel spreadsheets
    higher consciousness
    The United Nations
    wearables
    cops
    [Read more…]

    Nature Holds No Sway

    Princesses don’t even have to go to the bathroom. They just sit on their wonderful chairs all day.

    — 5 yr old J.P.

    Drones — Now Delivering!

    • Smoothly your psychology, @$300/hour
    • Glee over a coworker’s paper cut
    • Unwanted designs on your supervisor’s job
    • A good intention equipped with its own/a paving shovel
    • Unwillingness to compromise, ever
    • Dear John/Jane letters
    • Shockingly precise insults
    • Eviction notices with change-of-address forms attached for convenience
    • Subpoenas sponsored by Wilkins and Barra, discount criminal-defense attorneys
    • The results of your genetic tests (If you’re still alive.)
    • Regret at how you raised your kids
    • Sadness over how your grandchild is being raised
    • A sense that you’ve wasted your years/time
    [Read more…]